Misadventures in Babysitting
by Celli
Summary: Clark and Lex babysit. Um. Wackiness ensues. Futurefic. No spoilers.


Feedback: Please. celli@fanfic101.com   
Category: Futurefic; humor of the fluffy kind.  
Rating: G.  
Spoilers: none  
Summary: Clark and Lex babysit. Um. Wackiness ensues.  
Archiving: Ask and I'll probably say yes.   
Disclaimer: Smallville and its residents belong to Millar Gough Ink, Warner Brothers, DC Comics, and other assorted people with lawyers. Bummer.   
  
Thanks to Shelley, Caro, and the Horsechicks for multiple betas, and the lj crowd for encouragement and gen-vs-slash arguments. (For the record: BYO subtext, people.)   
  
***  
  
Misadventures in Babysitting  
by Celli Lane  
  
***  
  
"Lex."  
  
Lex rolled his eyes; that tone, this early in the evening?   
Never good. "Yes, Clark?"  
  
"You're not wearing *that,* are you?"  
  
Lex looked down. Comfortable slacks, check. Comfortable   
sweater, check. Comfortable shoes, check. "I hardly think   
I'm underdressed for an evening with the Rosses."  
  
"Lex. You are not wearing cashmere around a two-year-old.   
Go put on the jeans you use at the farm, and I brought an   
extra shirt. I knew you wouldn't have anything   
appropriate."  
  
"I'm sorry. Did you just tell me to wear flannel?"  
  
"It's a T-shirt."  
  
"Cotton?"  
  
"Lex."  
  
Lex sighed and went to change. "I don't know how you   
talked me into this," he called over his shoulder. One   
hand darted out to catch the shirt Clark tossed at him.  
  
"Pete has worked day and night on your campaign. He needs   
a break. He needs to actually see his wife again."  
  
"Yes, but I could have just paid for a babysitter. Hell, a   
fleet of babysitters."  
  
"This is more personal."  
  
Lex stuck his head through the neckline of the shirt and   
gave Clark a Look. "Money can be very personal."  
  
"Very funny. Come on, we're late."  
  
***  
  
The screaming could be heard from the driveway.  
  
Lex gave Clark another Look.  
  
The door flew open before they'd even come close; two   
figures tumbled out. "Thank God! I mean, glad you could   
make it, you guys," Pete said with that blinding smile that   
had won him a place at the head of Lex's spin doctors.   
Next to him, Lana hugged Clark on her way past him.   
"Formula's in the fridge, milk is right next to it,   
Monsters Inc. is in the VCR, and we ordered pizza for you.   
Thanks so much!"  
  
They jumped into the car and spun out of the driveway so   
fast gravel flew in Clark's face. He half waved. "Um, bye   
Pete. Bye Lana."  
  
"Yes, I can see why this is much more personal," Lex said.   
"You can see their deep and abiding love for the two of   
us."  
  
Clark snickered. "Or their deep and abiding need to get   
out."  
  
"You are not reassuring me."  
  
***  
  
"C'ark!" came the scream as soon as they walked in the   
door. "C'ark C'ark C'aaaaaaaark!"  
  
"Oof!" Clark caught two-year-old Laura and pretended to   
fall. "You're too big, Laura. You knocked me down!"  
  
She squealed. "I got C'ark!" Then she stared up at Lex.   
"Ohhhh. Hi, Mayor Yuthor."  
  
"Hello yourself, Miss Ross," Lex said with some gravity.   
"And how are you today?"  
  
"I'm watchin' Monsters," she said.  
  
"Glad to hear it."  
  
"You gonna watch?" There were dried tears on her face, but   
if she'd been suffering any trauma from her parents' abrupt   
departure, it was gone now. "Watch with me!"  
  
"Yeah, Lex, why don't you watch with her?"  
  
"Uh--"  
  
"Unless you want to check on P.J." Clark tilted his head   
towards the other room, and as if on cue they could hear a   
baby's cry. "I think he needs his diaper changed."  
  
"I'll watch the monsters," Lex said quickly.  
  
Clark grinned and disappeared.  
  
Lex settled himself on the couch, trying to avoid any   
sticky spots.  
  
"Petey is a baby," Laura informed him.  
  
"He is?"  
  
"Yup. But Petey is my daddy too. Hee!" She danced around   
in a circle, pleased with her deductive skills.  
  
"I suppose you're right."  
  
On the screen, a little girl who looked eerily like Laura   
was screaming. Laura pointed. "That's Boo."  
  
"Boo?"  
  
"Boo!" she squealed in his ear. Lex jumped. Laura   
giggled, and Lex was pretty sure he could hear Clark   
laughing too. Somebody had better not be looking through   
walls again.  
  
***  
  
Lex looked down at the baby in his arms. "He was so little   
when he was born."  
  
"I know. I could almost hold him in one hand. Now look at   
him."  
  
"I don't have to look at him. He weighs a ton." P.J. was   
wedged firmly into the curve of Lex's arm, alternating   
between staring up with wide brown eyes exactly like his   
mother's and trying to stuff his whole pacifier in his   
mouth. It seemed to be occupying him, so Lex risked   
looking up long enough to check on Laura. She was propped   
against one end of the couch, her head half-nodding as she   
watched the end of the movie.  
  
"Okay, Laura," Clark said after the very last note of the   
end credit music had played. "Bedtime."  
  
"No! Not bed! Not tired!" She stared up at Clark with   
huge puppy dog eyes. "Stay with C'ark and Yex!"  
  
"I've been demoted," Lex said, as Clark choked on a laugh.  
  
"No, honey. It's bedtime."  
  
"No. Watch!" She bounced off the couch. "Awake! Hey!"   
She tilted forward alarmingly on one foot, the other   
stretched behind her, both arms in the air. "Look! I   
Superman!"  
  
Lex's turn to choke, now; Clark stared fixedly at the blank   
television. "Really?" he asked in a strained voice. "Who   
taught you that?"  
  
She beamed up at him. "Daddy."  
  
"Oh *really,*" Clark said. Lex snickered.  
  
P.J. made a choking noise. Lex looked down. "Oh, hey,   
there. Don't swallow that." He shifted the baby to his   
other side. "You really are heavy, aren't you?" P.J.   
beamed up at him. "But I have to admit, you're kind of..."   
He mentally edited out the "sweet." "Nice."  
  
P.J. turned his head to the side, spitting out the pacifier   
and drooling all the way down Lex's arm. And his leg, too.  
  
"Oh," Lex said faintly. Then, "Clark, I swear, if you   
laugh, I will--"  
  
Laura looked at him curiously.  
  
"--laugh right along with you like the good sport I am,"   
Lex said through clenched teeth.  
  
Clark, wisely, did not laugh. But his dimples were   
showing. He swooped Laura up. "Come on, Supergirl. Let's   
fly to bed."  
  
"SuperMAN!" she yelled.  
  
"Oh, so sorry. SuperMAN. Come on." He hurried out of the   
room, making little zooming noises.  
  
Lex looked down at P.J. "Clark asked you to do that, didn't   
he?"  
  
P.J. drooled some more in answer.  
  
Lex wrinkled his nose. "Lovely."  
  
***  
  
"Okay. Do you want milk or water?" Clark asked.  
  
"Milk!"  
  
"What? You want water?"  
  
"Milk!"  
  
"Water?" Clark pulled his mouth into an exaggerated oval.   
"Waaaaaaater?"   
  
"Miiiiiilk!" Laura was laying on the floor of her room,   
arms and legs akimbo, screaming with laughter.  
  
The noise drew Lex in from the living room. He looked in   
the door, bouncing P.J. on his hip. The baby seemed nearly   
as amused as Lex himself. "Having fun in here?"  
  
Clark handed over the sippy cup. Laura took one drink,   
fixed Clark with a heartbreaking look, and started sobbing.   
"No! Not milk! Water!"  
  
Clark looked befuddled. "But--you--"  
  
"Water!" She threw the cup on the floor and screamed.   
"Waaaaater!"  
  
"Okay. Okay!" Clark hurried off, and was back about three   
seconds later--Lex smirked--with the same cup, rinsed and   
filled with water. "See? Water."  
  
"No! Milk!"  
  
"What?" Clark got down on one knee. "Baby, you said you   
wanted water."  
  
"Want milk!"  
  
Lex set P.J. down in his crib and picked up the cup. Clark   
didn't even notice; he was too busy arguing with Laura. By   
the time Lex returned a minute later, both Laura and Clark   
looked to be on the verge of tears.  
  
"Here, Laura," he said. He handed over a cup. "Milk."   
When she drew a breath to scream, he handed her the other   
one. "And water."  
  
Laura gave him a deeply suspicious look, then crawled into   
bed, clutching both cups protectively.  
  
"Superdork," Lex muttered low enough that Laura couldn't   
hear him. He went back to the crib when P.J. started   
fussing, leaned over to pick him up--  
  
--and smacked his forehead on the mobile hanging from the   
ceiling. "Ow!"  
  
"Mayor Dork," Clark said. Lex just glared.  
  
***  
  
Lex was sprawled out over most of the couch. P.J. was limp   
on top of him, his forehead resting just below Lex's   
collarbone.  
  
Clark walked back in. Lex waved cautiously with the hand   
that wasn't supporting the baby. "She asleep?"  
  
Clark opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and   
finally nodded.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing." Clark plopped himself down on the floor and   
leaned against the arm of the couch. "I just had this   
sudden, not entirely irrational fear that I was about to   
start talking in Dr. Seuss-like rhyme."  
  
Lex laughed. "How many books did you read her?"  
  
"I lost count somewhere between six and a hundred." Clark   
tilted his head to the side. "And I was squished into the   
weirdest position. Ow."  
  
"No chairs your size in there?"  
  
"Not quite. Want me to take P.J.? We can probably lay him   
down for the night too."  
  
"That's okay. I don't want him to wake up." Lex rubbed   
P.J.'s back; the baby sighed and snuggled closer.   
"Besides, it's nice to just lie still for a second. I   
think I walked him a few miles up and down the hall."  
  
"He's probably teething or something."  
  
"You're making that up." Lex rolled his eyes. "You don't   
know any more about this than I do."  
  
"That's not true. I've been around lots more babies than   
you have. Well, a few more."  
  
"And do you remember when any of them teethed?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"That's what I thought." Lex grabbed a corner of the   
blanket that hung over the couch and tucked it between   
P.J.'s drooling mouth and his chest. There was cute, and   
then there was drooling.  
  
Clark scrunched his head around and stared fixedly at P.J.   
"Yup. Teething."  
  
"That's cheating!"  
  
"Cheating? "  
  
"You only use your powers for good. " Clark gave him a   
Look. "That's what you said when you wouldn't peek in the   
ballot box for me on Election Day."  
  
"That was different."  
  
Lex hrmphed into P.J.'s head.  
  
"See?" Clark said after several peaceful minutes had   
passed. "Tonight wasn't so bad, was it?"  
  
"Clark."  
  
"What?"  
  
"There was screaming. There was crying. There was   
drooling. I'm going to have to burn these clothes."  
  
"Not my shirt," Clark said quickly.  
  
"It wasn't 'so bad.' It was...it was..." Words failed   
him. "I have never been so tired in my entire life, and   
that includes the week before the debate, when Pete and I   
stayed up for three nights straight cramming with potential   
questions."  
  
"And yet, Lana goes through this every day, along with   
running her restaurant and helping Pete when she can..."  
  
"Very subtle, Clark." Lex sighed. "I'll give Pete more   
time off."  
  
There was an expectant pause.  
  
"And a raise, so he can hire more babysitters."  
  
Another pause.  
  
"I'm sorry, but I'm not doing this again. I'm not made for   
this sort of thing. You know I have a limited supply of   
patience. Eventually I'd put Laura down for a second to   
read a briefing paper and forget where I left her."  
  
More silence. Lex shifted defensively. "Look, we've   
talked about this. I don't know if I'll ever have kids.   
Would you willingly put a child through being a Luthor? My   
legacy is politics, not the damn company. It can go to   
Lucas. Or P.J. here, for all I care." He rested his chin   
gently on the baby's head. "My father's obsession was his   
empire. I have better things to do than inflict 'lessons'   
on poor unsuspecting progeny. My time is better spent   
working to help all the children here in Metropolis, and   
eventually in other places, not damaging a few close to me.   
And yes, I know that makes me sound like an ass. But you   
have to admit it's the truth...Clark?" He tipped his head   
back. "You're asleep, aren't you?"  
  
When he wiggled his head around, Clark was indeed asleep,   
with his head resting on his shoulder at an impossible   
angle.  
  
Lex sighed. "That's okay," he said to P.J. "I'll explain   
everything to him later. He'll understand." He scooted   
farther over on the couch, wiggled P.J. around to make sure   
he wouldn't roll anywhere, and brushed his lips over the   
baby's forehead. "He'll understand." 


End file.
